The demons in your head
by Podlepops
Summary: The thoughts of a 14-year-old Alec Lightwood one lonely night at the Institute. One-shot. Please review!


Alec took deep breath and closed one eye as he aimed at the target on the wall opposite him in the Institute's training room. A second later he let the arrow fly and watched as it zoomed through the air- and missed.

"Dammit," he muttered, lowering his bow. He couldn't seem to concentrate tonight. His hands were shaking too much for him to shoot properly, and he kept getting lost in his own thoughts.

It wasn't unusual for him to be up in the training room way past midnight, on lonely nights when everyone else was sleeping. In fact, it had become such a common occurrence that it felt strange whenever he _did_ stay in his room and tried to sleep. But sleep never came, at least not without several hours of lying awake tortured by his own thoughts first. Over the past year he had figured out that the best way to spend the night was to train- he practiced shooting with his bow, throwing knives, different techniques with seraph blades, anything. Anything to distract himself from the dark thoughts that kept creeping into his mind like shadows. And then, after hours of solitary training, he'd go back to his room and be so exhausted he would fall asleep in an instant with no energy left to think about anything at all. It was the perfect strategy.

_Besides,_ he thought as he plucked another arrow from the quiver strapped to his back, _extra training won't hurt. The more you practice the better fighter you'll be, and the better fighter you are the more of a chance you'll get to make Mom and Dad proud. _

The idea that his parents could be ashamed of him, or disappointed, made him feel wretched. He worked so hard to make sure he met their every requirement –taking care of his siblings, never getting into any trouble, studying hard to learn as much as possible- and yet he couldn't help feeling like it was never enough. _He_ was never good enough for them. And they didn't even know about…

He couldn't even think about it. He placed the arrow in his bow and aimed again, trying to focus on his target.

_And when they do find out?_ whispered a voice in his head. _If you're disappointing as a son now what will they think when they know about your sexual orientation? They'll be disgusted. _

The arrow missed its target by at least three feet and struck the wall, then bouncing off and falling to the floor. He lowered his bow.

_Disgusted. You're disgusting. Unnatural. Wrong. _

Alec squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the bow in his hand even tighter. He wished there was a switch in his brain that would make it shut up. He _needed_ to make himself stop thinking. But it was impossible. He could train for hours to learn how to kill demons, but he could never win the battle against the monsters in his head.

With a shuddering breath he walked over to retrieve the arrows piled up on the ground beneath the target.

He hated himself. Hated every little bit of his being. It seemed like there was nothing he could do right, unlike his siblings. Why couldn't he be more like them? Isabelle was already proving herself to be a promising Shadowhunter, even though she had only just turned twelve. It was obvious in the way they looked at her that Maryse and Robert were proud of their only daughter. And Jace. Beautiful, gorgeous Jace. Sure, he had his drawbacks –arrogance, too big of an ego- but he was as close to flawless as Alec had ever known a person to be. His intelligence, his stunning good looks, the way he moved like an angel himself when he was fighting- everything about him was amazing. And Alec couldn't help but love him even though he knew he shouldn't. Especially after today.

Part of the reason why he was so distracted tonight was because of a question Jace had asked him that afternoon, when they'd been walking out of the library after their lessons for the day were over. It had been so unexpected Alec hadn't known how to reply. In fact he still didn't know how to reply, and he had told Jace he needed some time to think about it. For how could he accept Jace's offer to become _parabatai_ when he was so maddeningly in love with him? One wasn't supposed to love his _parabatai_, not in the way Alec loved Jace. But then again, he wasn't supposed to love any man that way.

Alec sighed as he straightened up and put his arrows back in his quiver, walking back to the other side of the room to continue shooting.

He wanted to protect Jace, to keep him safe in battle and make sure no demon ever hurt him. But at the same time he knew Jace could handle himself well enough on his own, even if sometimes he did act like he had a death wish. Jace didn't need Alec, he knew that. Jace was a better fighter than he would ever be, no matter how many hours of secret extra training he got at night. And of course, he was in love with the other boy, something that was strictly forbidden by the Clave.

Why did Jace even want him as his _parabatai_ in the first place? He would only hold him back. And what would he say if he found out about Alec's sexual orientation? He'd be horrified that they were _parabatai_ then, mortified and embarrassed beyond belief. Alec didn't know what to do. On one hand he wanted to be that close to Jace- to protect him, to swear to never leave him behind- but on the other he couldn't shake off the feeling that it wasn't fair for Jace to get stuck with him as his _parabatai_. Jace deserved someone better.

A noise at the training room's door made him spin around, bow trained on the shadowed entrance, ready to shoot an intruder. But a second later a small, high-pitched voice called out from the darkness, "Alec?"

Alec lowered his bow. "Max," he said, relaxing. "What are you doing out of bed at this hour? It's late."

The five-year-old ran forward then and didn't stop until he reached his older brother and wrapped his little arms around his leg. "I had a nightmare," he muttered into the leather of Alec's gear.

Alec's heart softened. He didn't need to ask why Max had run to him instead of going to their parents; Robert and Maryse were always too busy for these things. He crouched down so he was at Max's eye-level. "Want to tell me about it?"

Max shook his head, his wide brown eyes trained on his brother's blue ones. "No, it was scary."

"Alright then, want me to take you back to bed?" he asked. "I can stay with you until you fall asleep if it makes you feel better."

The little boy only shook his head again. "I don't want to sleep, the nightmare will come back."

_Oh Max, _Alec thought, _the real problem is when the nightmare won't stop haunting you even when you're awake. _

But that wasn't something he could tell his terrified little brother. "Okay," he said instead, an idea forming in his mind. "Why don't I teach you something then? How would you like shooting an arrow at that target over there?" he asked, gesturing towards the other wall.

Max's face lit up with excitement. "Really? But Mommy said the other day that I wasn't old enough to train yet."

Alec waved his hand dismissively. "Mom doesn't need to know about this, it'll be our secret."

One more secret to lock away and add to his collection.

Max grinned and nodded enthusiastically. "It can be our secret."

So Alec proceeded to the task of showing his brother how to place his hands on the bow, where to put the arrow, how to take aim. He took Max's baby-like hands in his and demonstrated the different movements, glad for the distraction and rewarded with the smile on the child's face and the way he looked at Alec, his eyes full of adoration. Max was the only person in the world that looked at him like that.

He felt a wave of protectiveness and pride as Max -with Alec's help- hit near the center of the target after only fifteen minutes of practice. Maybe he wasn't as good a Shadowhunter as Jace and Isabelle were, maybe he couldn't make his parents proud despite his efforts, and maybe he was wrong in the way he loved and the things he wanted- but he could take care of his siblings, that was something he could do right.

And at that moment, despite all of his doubts and worries, he was at peace. Right then he could forget about all the cold nights he spent up here alone, trying to escape his own thoughts. He could forget about how much he hated himself, or about how scared he was by the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to make it as a mundane if the Clave found out he was gay and stripped his Marks. With Max to look after, he could almost pretend he felt normal, worthy of the Lightwood name and as good as any other Nephilim.

While he had his siblings to take care of, he wasn't just a scared, unnatural being his parents would be disgusted by. He was Alexander Lightwood and he had a purpose.


End file.
